Christmas Day

puppy's first Christmas ...

managing fear

this week, I received an MRI scan (that is to say, my brain was scanned) / the experience was instructive / I'm pretty sure that, by default, the reaction of a creature to being enclosed / is to want to flee / so / while I was inside the machine / my conscious mind was continually reassuring the part of my mind that was afraid / saying: it's ok ...

ailments

monday / daughter has to go into hospital / for a planned operation / thankfully, home by the evening / but a long day ...

tuesday / daughter, recovering / I, foolishly, tried to catch up with tasks ...

wednesday / daughter back to school / having to sit a chemistry test (which has been brought forward a day, at short notice) / she fails the test, and is subsequently told that she isn't working hard enough / I go back to work ...

thursday / wife is feeling the effect of stronger antibiotics / the medicine is making her more ill than she was / son goes back to school, having been at home since the weekend, coughing ...

friday / wife is told that she can switch to different antibiotics / I make it through the working day, just ...

challenges

November - autumn has truly arrived - Christmas (dare I say it) isn't far away - and, it's the month of people on the internet setting themselves targets - write a novel, make progress on a thesis, publish a blog post every day - a year ago, one of my alter egos managed to upload a photo to blipFoto every day for a month ...

and, no / I'm not rising to the challenge this year / but (surely) it won't do any harm just to put a photo here / taken this morning as we took the dog (now 20 weeks old, we reckon) for a walk:

the good person

I remember, as a teenager, reading Bertolt Brecht's "the Good Person of Szechwan" (although I remember  her as the Good Woman of Setzuan) / what struck me then (and seems still to apply to-day) / was how the heroine found it impossible to maintain the good side of her nature, and had to call upon a more ruthless alter ego in order to survive / it's all very well / being told to trust God / to put the Kingdom first / but for most of us there has to be some compromise / in order to live / to be effective citizens / we have to spend some of our lives putting our employer first / doing what the world requires / expects ...

recognising that even within ourselves / there's stuff we want to do / to prioritise / which doesn't come straight from the Bible ...

place in the kingdom

a bit of a grand title / trying to address a (not particularly) simple choice / which church do I attend?

when one's wife has decided to start attending a different church / should one follow her / if one's daughter still attends the place where we (all) used to go / except that one's son hasn't attended church in years ...

the world (in this country) has changed / many people do other things on a Sunday morning / they even wash their cars (for some reason, an early memory of mine is of our minister berating his congregation / how awful, that people would spend Sunday morning washing their cars, instead of coming to church / his audience, presumably, agreeing with him) / it is more difficult, nowadays / pressure of time / both parents working / the case for spending Sunday morning worshipping God / is no longer self evident ...

and if the churches are competing / not easy for an individual ...

would it help

if I started attending a different church ...

I guess

that we tend to think of Jesus' encounter with the rich young ruler, as recounted, as the beginning and end of the story / he had his big moment / and he blew it ...

but we know that other people who were associated with Jesus / managed still to own a house (Lazarus, Martha, and Mary, for example) / they couldn't have sold everything / surely it would have been unfair of Jesus to lay down a condition for one person (which that person found difficult), and not expect the same of everyone ...

let's look on the bright side (of life) / let's imagine that the rich young ruler didn't just give up / what could he have done? could he have been one of the early Christians, who did sell everything ...

very few people nowadays give up everything to follow Jesus / even missionaries have a career / arrangements are made for their children to be educated / Church of Scotland ministers don't get to own the house which they live in while they work / but they can save (actually, I don't think that it's right that Church of Scotland ministers are put in this complicated and anomalous position / and, anyway, it doesn't help to make sense of the original question / it implies that some Christians are expected to follow the path of not owning stuff / while others aren't) up / or the church makes arrangements so that when they retire they have somewhere to live (what's the difference between a minister relying on his or her employer to take care of what happens when he or she retires, and me paying into a workplace pension scheme) ...

the rich young ruler

sell everything (give the proceeds to the poor), and follow me ...

or not, in which case you are not a true Christian, and will spend eternity suffering in hell ...

as soon as possible

so / if two people, simultaneously, ask for two things to be done 'as soon as possible' / are we allowed to suggest that they fight a duel, to decide whose task, actually, gets done 'asap' ...

tribe

as I write, one of our pussycats sleeps on the computer table, where she has spent most of to-day / it has always been a favourite place for her / but frequented, on the whole, when somebody is using the computer / I can only guess that to-day, it is her place of safety ...

a new creature has joined the tribe / she is just eight weeks old / and she is a puppy dog / already, there have been issues / yesterday, puppy dog chased the other pussy cat / then the pussy cat took her revenge with a well aimed swipe ...

of course, the new arrival brings plenty of joy / asks many questions / hopefully, promises a bright future ...

the story continues

disappointment

the last throw of the dice / betting one's shirt / gambling the farm / it's a recognised situation / there are no resources / this is the only way left ...

imagine the joy / the movie's hero / flat out, eyes closed, obviously dead / but, of course, he's not / he's alive ...

or / it's not just about how to solve technical problems / it's about how things are done / it's about people, not machines / but without the technical knowledge, you're floundering / I tried / I gave it my best shot ...

knife edge

Honest to God has a chapter on prayer / in it, John Robinson quotes extensively from George macLeod, founder of the Iona Community / so, what is prayer ...

is it like picking up the telephone, and dialling God / if so, I would contend, we are in for disappointment (that's my experience, anyway) / hi there, God, this is Chas / silence / I'm having a tough time at work / more silence / I wondered if you could give me some advice / yet more silence ...

a bad line, perhaps / maybe he's busy / try again later (I'm reminded of Elijah taunting the prophets of Baal on mount Carmel, as they try desperately to get their god to respond) ...

I think that what John Robinson is suggesting is that everything is prayer / laborare est orare, as we were told at school that the Romans used to say to each other / that, as we wrestle practically with the issues, we find God / I'm not entirely convinced / but it's better than sitting in silence ...

changes

in the 1980's someone who knew about computers was valued / a member of the academic team / we were referred to as 'academic-related' ...

in the 2010's, everyone knows about computers / children teach their parents how to use faceBook / an IT support person is just that / 'support' ...

of course, those who were young men and women in the eighties are now approaching retirement / but what value do they still have?

quietness

another turbulent week / I really am not qualified to write about the events which are well-known / which I know about only through news reports / but, on the other hand, I don't suppose that my personal journey is of much interest to anyone but myself ...

so, for myself, I report / that I have lost my faith / and, possibly, been given it back again / that for a few hours, brave atheism took control / made sense / then, somehow, had to acknowledge / grace / a man, hoisted on a wooden cross / not clear about 'how' (why should we be?) / words from beyond the grave ...

my reading, these days, includes, generally at lunchtimes, the street bible (later editions are called the word on the street), by Rob Lacey / I reached the end of what we call the Old Testament a week ago / now embarking on the story of the Liberator / uncomfortable counterpoint, as I also read through Honest to God (John AT Robinson) / which I think was a worthy attempt to make the gospel acceptable to modern man ...

challenging reading / as I continue to try to navigate difficult waters ...

resolution

after the upheaval (and challenge) of last weekend / and so much change over the past few years / there is a strong argument for saying something like: what we have is far from perfect, but it's ok - it takes less energy to keep going / than it would to initiate yet more change ...

the sun is shining / the grass is long, and needs to be cut / my desk is piled high with stuff / and I'm weary ...

when to stop

Yet again, by the end of the working week, my overriding feeling is despair. I can't seem to get anything right. That's not entirely true - I do, occasionally succeed - but seldom.

For many reasons, I expect to be working, full-time, until I'm 65, possibly 66. If I don't, there will be serious financial consequences. But, day after day, I want, desperately, to be able to call it a day (or, at the very least, to reduce my hours).

Thankfully, I've made it through to another weekend / I can down tools / lay aside one set of challenges / and give some attention to another / until the pendulum swings back / and Monday beckons, again ...

appearances

life, nowadays, is too complicated / maybe that's just the view of an aging aspie ...

damaged

on the face of it, the week went well / and here we are again / the weekend / my throat still hurts (but the doctor looked at it on Monday, and said that it should be OK) / we have a fun outing planned for to-day / to see Pirates of Penzance at the Festival Theatre (Edinburgh) ...

I'm weary / hoping that to-day will be stress-free / and to-morrow ...

finding God

Martyn Joseph, in Songs for the Coming Home sings that it is 'not a good time for God' / this week, the Church of Scotland tried to grasp the nettle of whether to allow a church to call a person in a gay relationship as their minister, and came up with what appears to be a fudge / or, to use another popular metaphor, they're trying to have their cake and eat it / not surprisingly, those strongly opposed to, and those strongly in favour of affirming the ministry of gay people aren't happy (based on a sample of two) / whether the compromise will win the support of ordinary members of this denomination remains to be seen ...

shockingly, this was the week a soldier was killed / on a UK street ...

I don't reckon, in comparison, that my own struggles count for much, but it was a relief, yesterday afternoon, to find some peace, sitting in the Memorial Chapel of Old St Paul's, Edinburgh ...

gratitude

an exhilarating evening / people saying, as I left the theatre: a great show / my part is small, but, for me, scary ...

earlier in the week / spending a good part of the day in Edinburgh / while our car was receiving some TLC / I visited Old St Paul's (inspired by Richard Holloway's description of the place in Leaving Alexandria) / thankful / there is something deeply welcoming about the dark sanctuary / a refuge ...

stress

just over a week ago, I was aware that the stress I was experiencing at work had the potential to break me. during a sleepless night, I resolved that on Monday, I would make an appointment to see the doctor - I would ask to be signed off for the week - I would let my managers know - and suggest a radical change to my work situation.

on Saturday morning (coincidentally), I met a colleague in B & Q (as you do). during the day, my resolve weakened - if I could get through the week, I then had a week's annual leave, to look forward to.

by Monday, my sore throat was intensifying - I was coughing - coincidentally, the same colleague, also, was coughing. I worked through the day, discovering something, as I did so, that removed some of the pressure (to carry out a particular task), that particular week.

by Tuesday, my sore throat and cough were bad enough that I should stay at home. I emailed in. If anything, by Wednesday, my condition was worse. I was able to see a doctor, who prescribed antibiotics. Thankfully, things are now improving, but I have not been back to work. I still wasn't well enough, yesterday.

so - I've been off work four days - quite properly. I can return to work, a week on Monday - there will be some catching up to do - and some administrative procedures to follow. but, I've been thinking - if I'd followed the original plan - it would have been a big deal - there would have been significant repercussions - possibly, in the long run, a better outcome (I have no way of knowing).

I'm more psychologically broken than physically broken - the doctor's antibiotics are helping me back to physical health - it's a pity that psychological breakages are more difficult to fix ...

roller coaster

trying to achieve stability / these days, when every weekday is an uphill challenge, it's difficult to think back to a time when I was relaxed about going into work ...

much has changed / it could be argued that the job I used to do no longer exists / computing is now ubiquitous / a new generation has grown up, taking for granted the world wide web, personal computers, and smartphones / this old dinosaur hasn't been able to find a niche in the ecosystem / of incident management systems, content management systems, e-learning, and managed desktops ...

is it a coincidence that variants of the word 'managed' appear so often in that last sentence ...

spring

amazingly, it isn't cold, outside / we seem to have waited a long time for spring to arrive / and we said that we would appreciate it (all the more) when it came ...

there is still an awful darkness, though / thankfully, the weekend has come / and I have two days / during which I don't have to go into work / but it is difficult not to think about it / and I reckon that before Monday morning, I do need to spend some time working / if only to try to achieve a good start to the week ...

brightness outside / less so inside / difficult to make any decisions, that aren't obvious / tired ...

open plan

at work / moved office / previously, shared with 3 others / now, around 127 ...

writing about it isn't going to change anything / I need to keep on working / probably until I'm 66 / it feels like a nightmare ...

better / at the weekend / not to think about it / instead (it's nice to be blogging, even if nobody reads this) ...

I'm reading (among other books) Richard Holloway's "Looking in the Distance" / does he believe (in the traditional, Christian sense), or doesn't he? / is he pretending not to? / or, has he really jumped ship (to use his own metaphor) ...

difficult

the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday is always (for me) a strange one / compounded this morning when my daily (bible) reading notes looked forward to the resurrection (for me (again), the prevailing emotion of this particular day requires that when resurrection arrives, it is unexpected) / so / we know (because we've read the book (or seen the movie) before) that there is going to be 'a happy ending') / the hero doesn't stay dead ...

why did he have to die? usually, in movies, the hero appears to have died, but then an eye opens, and we realise that he's ok (or heroine, and she's ok) / in this case, we seem to be sure that, in fact, Jesus was dead when they laid him in a tomb ...

there seems to be unhappiness nowadays with the notion that Jesus died for our sins (as we have been taught) / because it implies an angry God / we would prefer a different interpretation / which allows God, even as Jesus cried out on the cross / to be loving (by which we mean gentle, I guess) ...

not my problem / I don't presume to teach / but I'd like to make enough sense of the whole thing to go on living / if that isn't too much to ask ...

blue

a statement ...

clinging on / just ...